& circles never end

we sang this for the juniors. and although it was a last minute decision to perform, and to sing this song, and we only learnt it on the actual day. but this describes perfectly, everything.

debate, el, has been one of the most constant constants in my entire journey as a cedarian. and as this draws to a close, it'll be one of the things I miss most. because debate kept me sane. I live for the next debate, I live for debating in cedar. when things were rock bottom, debate was one place where I knew what I was doing. how will I survive without debating? the high, the feeling only debate could give.

debate captain, I will never regret.

el, I love you, I've loved you all along.
it'd have been much easier to not care. but I could never manage to.

the juniors touched a chord inside me. from the sec1s song, to the sec2s imitation, to the sec3s songs. it wasnt perfect, the performances. it was watching them perform wholeheartedly, to see the effort, and to see them cry, to know that we meant something to them.

thank you juniors, for letting me walk out of the room, feeling like I've not wasted an entire term as exco.
thank you, for everything. from the performances, to the food, to the gifts.

sec4s, when we sat in the classroom singing the song one last time before we went up, I cried. because I know that we will never ever once again sit down as a level and plan stuff. because no matter how screwed up we were, we were always, always the best planners. 

sec3s, it's your time now. really. all of you have it in you ; it's really just there. the new exco would have not been within your expectations, and I know at this point, it's doubts and insecurities. but you need to put this aside, because you guys are the ones in charge now. it'll really, be alright. because you guys have each other. and no matter what, and no matter when, all of us are only a phone call, an sms away. the teachers will help you guys. and I cant promise much, but I promise that you'll walk away this better than before. dont leave with regrets. and it starts with now. we'll still be around, dont worry we wont die from Os. ((: we'll come back, promise.

sec3 debaters: anu, elmira, aqilah, shamitaa, anisha. the five of you. there've been moments when I've come down hard on you. when I've scolded you guys. but I hope you guys know that I really care about all of you. all of you are unique. and it's up to you 5 now to lead debate. dont backslide, dont let passion fade. your best is enough, but you need to put in your best. your best, and nothing less. because you can do it. the sec1s and 2s are looking at you now. dont let admin rubbish cloud the debater inside. JGs next year, the countless invitationals. all the best. you can, and all of you will. all the way, juniors.

sec2s & 1s debaters :) : sec1s, I dont know you guys well. but you guys have great potential in you to be great speakers. it's just there, but style needs to be polished, content trained, experience gained. dont let passion fade as you get promoted level by level. truly listen when your seniors comment, and take what is constructive and change. only then can you be the best you will be. sec2s, ynez, my and saranya: I love you guys. do well. 3 is a small number, but it means that you guys will know each other even better. work together, and dont let things come inbetween you. when I come back, I'll see better debate right? ((:


* 

I've never given up on any of you, any of us, anyone. I gave it all, I gave for us. I'll do it all over again if I could. the heartbreak, the tears, the pain, the furstration, the accomplishment.

I'll always be proud to call myself one of you.

seems like just yesterday
you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong

your arms around me tight,
everything it felt so right

unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong.

-

why do you do this to me,
why do you do this so easily
you make it hard to smile because
you make it hard to breathe

-

tell me what, tell me when
and if it was time well spent
dont let me fall asleep feeling empty again.

-

if you thought I'd grief then you were wrong
coz I wont stop holding on

so are you listening?
are you watching me?

if you thought I'd grief you were wrong.

Because I wont stop holding on.

-

 what went on inside my head the whole day.



take away for today.

1. the world is far from perfect, maybe because we've been looking at the wrong things all this time.
2. we'll all die eventually, so what were we born for? - nugget of wisdom from a junior, surprsingly
3. I'm gonna create a happy bubble, and we'll all move in. inside, communication is banned, and so is memories. because that's the only way we'll be happy.
4. wounds dont heal.

 

I dont understand. why Did you even bother to lie over such a matter? a matter that wouldnt have made much or any difference to you, but it made a hell lot of difference to me. 

Why did you bother to lie? Why why why why why? you know how hurt I was when I heard from her? Why did you bother saying such a hurtful thing that wasnt true? I was so angry because I know the alternative would have been saddness. and I hate being sad. I rather be angry any time of the day because I know what to do when I am angry. 


I'm so tired. so tired. 


I hate how we are turning out to be. we arent much better than them at the end of the day. I dont even know why I still bother trying. because I am so honestly tired of everything that is going on. leave a legacy? the only thing we left for them is conflicts and problems. 

I am so tired of everything.

I want to shout and scold and scream because I dont want to bottle it up. do you know that high is a good enough cover for everything? hiding behind "high" is easy, no matter if you are tired, upset, angry, worried, furstrated. it works, no matter how you use it.


I feel so useless, so helpless and so tired. the cca I loved so much is reduced to this, and nothing else. you know how furstrating that is.


I need a break away from all these. I need to find Me again.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Sorry I'm not the perfect daughter, sorry I'm not the perfect cedarian. Sorry I was a lousy instructor, sorry I was a horrible captain.  Sorry I'm not the perfect girl, sorry I cant even fit into the role as a guy. Sorry I dont go around smiling to myself like a perfect Idiot, sorry I look the way I look. Sorry the way I talk the way I do, sorry for thinking the way I think.


But I never once said I was perfect, did I? I never did. I never wanted to be perfect. 


who was I kidding? whoever said your best was enough? I'm sorry for everything I cant be. I'm sorry for everything I tried to be.


but do you know that freaking hell hurt that fucking stings? thanks for rubbing it in my face.

do you KNOW how HARD it is to be HAPPY. I'm trying but it's so hard I just want to lapse into a crying fit. but I'm scared I cant stop if I start, and I dont want those that matter to worry for me. so I laugh, and I play. like everything will get better.


for everyone I've let down, I'm sorry. 

 
I dont exactly know what you are thinking, or how you are feeling. 
I dont know, I dont care.


deal with it, I'm cold, I have no feelings. I dont live for you, I live for me.


You've hurt me enough, I'm letting go now. 




Gah.

because I know you are not mine. and I was the one who choose to deal with it this way. 
I really wished I live in my own happy bubble. I'd drag everyone who mattered in, and we'll all be happy forever.


I like stars. they make me feel happy inside. and even on the worst days, at the worst moments, if I look up and I see stars, I feel better inside. it was as if, nothing can touch me as long as I can look up. and everything bad seems far away, even if it was right infront of me. I dont like glaring lights, I like the peacefulness of the night. 





rubbosh. I dont know what to say, because I know how it feels.

Yesterday marked the end of Juliagabriel's 2010. nope, we didnt win, and I highly doubt that we broke into top8, so this should be the last debate I am speaking for.

looking back is hard. but as with any other "ends", looking back is inevitable.

JG's 2008 as second, 2009 as first, and 2010 as third.
rejected for debate as a sec1, debate captain  in sec4.

countless invitationals, countless speaking opportunities. Impromptus, prepared. Differnet teams, different speaker roles, different styles, different dynamics.

3 sets of coaches, Fiona, Reka, now San and Vid. Different styles of coaching.
3 different venues. Library's exclusive room, Humanities classroom, now the Moonstone room.


Stressed over cases, tore my hair out, neglected my studies even, at a point of time. cried over the people within, changed from what I used to be. but I learnt, learnt alot too.

lost passion, found it back.




to Mich, Sya: we didnt give up even this close to the end. that's everything worth celebration for. the stars will always shine for us.



and so marks the end.

 
Beloved senior, have you already let me go too? I dont feel like us anymore. you've been changing but I've been ignoring. have you really changed?


I'm annoyed with my juniors, fullstop. yes this is not locked for a reason. I dont know if I cant wait to step down or if I am reluctant to step down.

I'm tired of cleaning up after people. really


I <3 CF singing :) have loved it since I was first exposed to it during COALs :) it makes me damn happy I dont know why, I swear I just like it :D especially when it's with a group of people who heck image as equally as you and just SING :)

I think cedarians are the only people who dare to walk around school and randomly just burst into a song, but expect all those in the vicinity to join you singing :)

the table of OALs just joined Guides singing. see, deprieved kiddos :)

and video. GOD HAHAH REB UPLOAD K!


I'm tired. I wish with all my hopes all of you smile from the bottom of your hearts. I hope and pray that all our highness makes you happy, gives you real happiness that lasts instead of just giving you a break from reality. I wish that we were so high coz we are that happy, and not because insanity is the best cover for saddness and weights in our hearts. 

I wish I wish all of us were really happy, I wish I had the ability to just give you a hug and make your world bright and happy again. 

I really really really really do.

priya, mirna, I <3 the two of you, please dont let yourself go. 

 
because you matter, I'll tread carefully where you are concerned.


I dont want to hurt you the way they hurt them. 

I can be a bitch, I can be downright mean, and because I know me I'll be extra careful when it is where it matters.







what are you trying to tell me?